Out and Finally Free

Well that was freakin weird!

2010-01-27T11:26:00.001-08:00

Last night was my first time going to a gay strip club.

Um, I'll go again.

But I did feel like a pervert, looking at all those men.

I felt like I was objectifying them.

The solution is to go

and be drunk and/or high

and have tons of singles.

The one guy I tipped attempted to grind his dick into my face.

As I moved back, he grabbed my shoulder and stopped me.

As I tipped him, he asked how I was and my name.

His was Jake...IDK WTF that was about.

The cutest by far were the two with glasses,

they just had a lot of fun up there.

Put me at ease.

Not Sure This'll Work...

2010-01-17T09:24:00.001-08:00

So, I know this is sad,

But I am gonna have to stop following the friend

-zoner on Twitter.

He's tweeting about a breakfast date...

And it makes me feel like shit.

I wanna move on,

but, I don't know how to...

Melancholy is the word to

describe

the feelings in my heart...

I'm not really sure...

2010-01-12T20:31:00.000-08:00

What's been going on.

I've been so tired everyday,

but I wake up really early, without trying.

But I have been rather productive.

Maybe, I've just been nervous about...

THE BEGINNING OF THE END

that this semester is.

I'll be graduating from undergrad in MAY!

*I hate change, that's probably the issue*

Green Pasteurs

2010-01-09T08:55:00.001-08:00

Last night...

So amazing!

I never knew my brother was so cool!

*side note* there was a woman there trying to get at my brother

In front of his girlfriend...WTF?

But we were so far beyond high, it was coooooollllll!

Now off to ceramics to paint

And then...

To my fave Catfish restaurant! I love it!

Oh yeah!

2010-01-08T00:35:00.001-08:00

So, there was recently a breakthrough with Momma on the whole me being gay thing.

We were talking about funerals

*don't ask*

And the subject of mine came up.

I said I'd have to make a will since they don't like what I want.

Her response was, "well, you'll have a partner to deal with that."

Awkward place to have the breakthrough, but I'll take...

Recently learned that my grandma is the one having the issues...

She thinks I'm confused,

Whatever that means...

She'll get it soon enough, I'll let her have her "wishful thinking" for now.

Here we go again...

2010-01-07T23:59:00.000-08:00

Future...

The days before me...you? us? them?

Whatever.

The days/weeks/months/years ahead

*SIDEnote:Why do we talk in such broad terms?*

are really gonna be crazy!

full load + at school, apps, decisions

and to top all that off, I have to try to do something with this credit.

b/c whatever path I end up on,
I'll need to be able to rent a place

and buy a car...those boots may be made for walking

these feet ain't! :/

New Tea?

2010-01-07T23:56:00.001-08:00

Eh, not so much.

I did talk to The friend zone-er today.

*I must give him a name*

At any rate, things seem like they'll be cool when school starts back up...
which is in exactly a week from Yesterday!

OMG! Graduation is getting closer!

Man, this shit is scary!
I get overwhelmed by it quite often.

So..It's been quite a while

2010-01-06T15:17:00.000-08:00

I hope the new year was great for you all!

My night was rather awful, even in the midst of chaotic bliss.

I went to a party, it was you typical college party: drugs, alcohol, slutty activity...the works.

I had a good time, but I do have some regrets about that night. I spent about nine (9) hours chatting with a guy on BBM (Blackberry Messenger). now the convo and everything was great! I learned a lot more about him than i already knew, and it only made me more interested in him. Well, after a few drinks, I spilled all of my tea to him. I'm so mad at myself! I don't even remember what he said, but I do knwo that it ended up with me being in the friend zone. I mean it would be different if he was straight and I had misread the signs. and to make it worse, he gave me the dreaded, "Why didn't you ask earlier?" This had me damn near in tears (drunken tears, but tears nonetheless). So now I feel like I ave missed a great chance. I even begged for a chance to prove I was worth it after the friend zoning...I. Am. SSSOOOO. EMBARRASSED!

But whatever, I guess this was bound to happen eventually. I'm just glad I have such sypportive friends! they helped me to back off the ledge that, if I had jumped, would've led me to trying to act like being gay was "just a phase" and going on to be miserable and in the closet yet, again. But they really helped me to see it for what it was, an impossibility. I'm gay, and I have to come to terms with that. And I have to be able to love myself, if I ever expect anyone else to be able to love me!

I'm well on my way!

2009-10-30T21:08:00.001-07:00

Today was SOOO PRODUCTIVE!

I was able to feel out all of my law school apps, minus the personal statements I have yet to write...FML!

I applied for the fee waiver, b/c any little bit helps.

I printed out my transcript request forms and my letter of rec forms...(contented sigh).

I feel really good, even though I slacked and didn't go to my internship all week.

I'm gonna go a few extra days next week to make it up...and I'll also be stopping by the infirmary, to make up an alibi...do I feel a sore throat?? (cough, cough; wink)

So is this what its like?

2009-10-30T21:04:00.001-07:00

I have been run RAGGED!

I'm gonna blame it on the workload and the lack of sleep, plus the gym

*in reality, it may have been the partying form last week...*

But we'll act as though that never happened *wink*

My buddy came back in town for the festivities, it was good to see him.

We drank, laughed, looked at hotties, and partook in the new vice....
We smoked DOZIER, or marijuana...whatever you wanna call it...

I never understood why someone would smoke that on a regular, I get it now...I'm not a regular...but I do understand now!

So my life is overly stressful right now...But I'm trying to give this world something EPIC!

2009-10-06T17:16:00.001-07:00

I swear sometimes I wanna give up and just stay in bed, and to be totally honest sometimes I do! (don't judge me!) but today, I got the hell up and took my ass to the gym (I joined LA Fitness last night, and today was my first session). It was awesome, I learned how i need to work out in order to lose weight. I also feel in love with my beautiful and sexy personal trainer, but this was my only session, because it is a recession and I can barely afford to breathe, let alone pay some personal trainer! But I do plan to make working out a habit, not a phase!

But I am just trying to make sure there is a SICKENING change in me come graduation in May!

I also am just burdened with trying to apply to law school, and these personal statements are not coming easy! I'm applying to 8 different schools, and I'm hoping I can get a fee waiver, or 8...btu whatever, i have 2 exams tomorrow so I must go and study!

PS- My arms feel like jelly and my abs are still on fire!

Chile, I can't believe this!!

2009-09-28T20:20:00.000-07:00

I sent my computer back to HP earlier this year to get the wireless switch fixed. I just opened up the CD/DVD drive, why was there this disc o' porn that I made still in there?? I sent my porn collection to HP, when the whole purpose was to make sure I had a backup copy of it all in case they wiped my drive...what if the watched it, is all that goes through my mind. LOL A mess!!

I imagine this is the face, if they happened to see it. (SEE BELOW)

Glad that shit is over!!

2009-09-27T11:32:00.001-07:00

So, today I finally took the LSAT! I was so relaxed! I couldn't believe how un-stressful it was! Now to the hardest part, trying to not jump while waiting on my scores! They come in about three weeks...I'm glad about that, because if I didn't so hot, it won't really affect my mindset for midterms. but anyway, I am about to go and get high and drunk...my first time smoking marijuana!! I'm excited!!

Beautiful!!!

2009-09-22T07:35:00.001-07:00

This woman is a beast! She sings her ass off! And seriously, who cares if she's a bitch...I don't! :)

Kathleen Battle - Over My Head I Hear Music in the Air

OMG!! That was so...

2009-09-22T07:28:00.000-07:00

real for me. I just watched Prayers For Bobby, that Lifetime movie. It was so saddening for me. I cried so much during this film. I understand exactly how Bobby feels. I know that my family loves me, but I can't help feeling like they love me "in spite" of my being gay. I don't think I'd take it to the depths that Bobby did, but I do feel the hurt sometimes. I feel so alone, and I feel a crazy amount of fear. I really want to explore this new identity, but I can't get out of this mind frame that someone will find out...that really shouldn't be a concern...but it still is. I sometimes feel completely stupid, because I want to go into politics(not to personally get elected, working behind the scenes), but I feel like being myself will mess that up for me. I am just so conflicted...and sometimes I feel so alone, I really wish I had a friend who could relate...I guess I do, but he's doing his domestic exchange...and sometimes I just wanna talk face to face.

Also, I'm still so scared to even think of approaching a guy...and sometimes I just wish that I had never even said anything. I feel like it would be easier to just keep the lie going. I think of this when i see families and think about how hard it'll be for me to have kids, even when (read: if) I find a husband. Of course, I know this is COMPLETELY PREPOSTEROUS!! But the idea of going out t and meeting a guy is so friggin scary!!!

Update

2009-08-11T16:40:00.000-07:00

So I'm actually getting ready for one my LAST days of work!!! I am so ready for it to be over! I recently saw apreview for a movie with Adam Rodriguez of CSI: Miami...and I must say, I don't even know what it is about, but I wanna see it just because that sexy ass man is in it! I have been so in love with him since that show came on! He's the only reason I watch it occasionally now! And I would love to see be asked to join those two in a wrestling match or TOUCH football!!! He's so hot!

But any way, I leave for school on Monday night, we're drving through the night so I can back and hang with my buds and gt some shit taken care o up at the school! I'm so excited to get back to school, where I'm an adult, but not ready or classes...which is why I'm giving myself a little more than a week to get acclimated again. I am however, gonna miss my buddy who's doing domestic exchange or the whole of senior year!!! We have some very interesting convos...lol...usually about the campus hotties and how we'd ravage them if given even the smallest of chances!! I finally registeredfor the damn LSAT, I have to drive an hour away from campus to take it, because all of the cites in the city were filled...isn't that bogus?? anyway, let me go peruse some blogs, and then head to work until the un-Godly hour o 3AM!

time is o the essence...

2009-08-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

and frankly, it's running out. I will be in town for less than three more weeks. I have so much to do to prepare or my return to school. So much has been going on. I have truly been slacking on the LSAT front...been reading when @ the library instead of studying like I should. I have to figure out all of the logistics on how I'm gonna get settled once I get back. I need to look for jobs down there and I need to get my financial Aid info together...the IRS's system has been down and that is the last part that I'm waiting on. I still have so much to pay for, but at least the other insurance company is reimbursing me! So that money will go towards pay my insurance premium...so good news there. Also, the bartender at my shop likes me, so we're gonna go out on Thursday...we talked like my whole shit yesterday, and when I left he said that he couldn't wait to see me tomorrow(which is actually today now)! Too bad nothing more can come o this than a few dates! But at least it'll help me learn the ropes a little bit!

What an Awesome week...until that one thing...

2009-07-24T08:27:00.000-07:00

So folks this has been an awesome week! I listened to an awesome audio book, read three noels by my new fave author, E. Lynn Harris(get into it!!), I studied my ass of for the LSAT, and I even picked up an extra shift at work, after I had already picked up three! It was the grave yard shift, which is interesting, I was there by myself for a few hours jammin listening to my ipod. too funny I gave a full concert from The "I am...Sasha Fierce"album...too funny...good times.

I was checking facebook the other day, and I got a message from my most recent ex-gf, she was telling me that her gradnmother had died. I really want to be there for her, but I can't get off work for the funeral. I feel s awful or her, because both of us were raised by our grandmothers and I knowI would be to through with lie i something happened to my gram!! I'm gonna pray for her and try to send a card or something over. I might go buy some flowers and send them to the funeral. UUUUGGGGHHHHH!!!

Right nowI'm waiting on my uniform to get out of the dryer, so I can get ready for work in a few hours. I'm at my uncle's house and I'm gonna walk home later on. I'e been trying to incorporate walking into my transportation routine again, there's no poin in wasting gas going eerywhere especially when this is the only chance I hae to get excercise, since I work so many diferent times of day...you know how work in the food industry is, especially for a part-timer...thank God this is not my life-long job! This has made it clear to me that I must continue my education!!!

Yours, Truly

Money woes...

2009-07-17T13:57:00.001-07:00

I am so tired of all of these new bills popping up! I have to come up with a deducible for getting my car fixed, I have to come up with the payment for six months insurance for the car, I have to register for the LSAT, I have to pay my phone bill for three months, and I have to also support myself for a week before school starts. I have no idea how I'm gonna pay for all of this crap!! I guess I'll have to sign up for several open shifts at work and I'll have to save up all my tips to make sure I can afford to do all the things I wanted to do. And to think, this stuff doesn't even include the money I wanted to spend on a new tattoo and clothing. I really wish there was some help somewhere for me. Also, usually I think to myself, I only have to survive until September, well this September when refunds come out, I don't even have dibs on mine. I have to give it to my grandmother to pay for the car!!! I hate having responsibility!!! UGH!!! I guess this is part of growing up...at least this is what I've been led to believe.

And the band played on...

2009-07-17T13:49:00.001-07:00

Okay, I guess I'm officially no longer in the closet. My whole immediate family knows, all of my friends at school know, and both of my exes know. I don't know who else I would NEED to tell, so I'm done telling folks for the time being. I'm still not changing my interested in on facebook...but that's because I don't think that changing things on facebook would help anything. So, for now it is what it is.

But in other news, I'm so sick of people that make plans with me and then cancel them. I have this friend at school that i love dearly, but I will probably never make plans with her again. She was supposed to come up to my hometown in August and drive back to school with me. Today she calls me and tells me she probably won't be doing that, instead she's gonna go home. Now I'm not really mad about her breaking plans with me for her family, I'm just mad that all of a sudden she has decided to break my plans at such a horrible time. I have to know by next Thursday if she's gonna come that way I can buy my bff a plane ticket, if she's not gonna come. Speaking of tickets, maybe I'll see if DLM wants to come up here and ride back with me. I have some decisions to make...

Man, it's been a while...

2009-07-17T13:42:00.001-07:00

So, as stated in my previous post, I'm working on LSAT prep. And it is truly kicking my ass! I have never felt so stupid, and it makes me question whether I'm as logical as I like to think I am...this is problematic for a number of reasons: I am the resident advice giver, and I am a know it all...both of which require flawless judgment! I spent several hours studying for the past two days. I have so much work to do!! But I am confident that by the time the test rolls around I'll be fully prepared...that's a little more than two months to prepare. I'm currently trying to develop a test prep schedule/calendar. It is a daunting task, but i'm visiting other blogs around the interwebs to see if there's any guidance...this prep thing is just a daunting task!

Future? I don't understand the question...

2009-07-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

So, I've been trying to prepare for my future...but I'm failing miserably. I was supposed to have my personal statement written by now...I have yet to put fingers to keys(because, come on, who actually writes anymore??). I have finally narrowed the list down, but that is all. I have not gone and gotten a transcript from this local school I took a science class at four years ago...so now I'm missing three credits for graduation. I haven't written my letters to potential internship sites(this internship is mandatory!!!)....and I have not even scratched the surface on this LSAT studying...I need help!

So, I'm off to the library with my laptop since there is no tv down there and hopefully I'll be able to do some LSAT practice!

Well, that turned out differently than I expected...

2009-07-07T06:09:00.000-07:00

So, on the Fourth of July, I picked Momma up from work and we went back to the house before I went to the family picnic. As we were sitting there talking, I just blurted it out...and she said really like five times. Then she said the oddest thing, "like homosexual-gay?" I just wanted to laugh, but not because that was funny, but because I didn't understand the other possible gays one could be. But I def thought I would get put out or disowned or something...she just told me, "well, we all expected it." So, now the only folks left to tell are Daddy, CG, and WS...all of which aren't really gonna be that hard...I just want to find the right time. I'm kinda relieved, but then again...my coming out story is so boring! Hopefully getting out into the world will be a WHOLE LOT more exciting!

The Journey Has Begun

2009-06-29T21:35:00.000-07:00

So, I had my first experince where I lost someone after coming out to them. I truly felt that everything was alright after I told LC, my former bff(or so I thought). I mean she was cool, she didn't call em that often anyway and we didn't hang out very often anyway, since she goes to school in our home state and I don't. I have felt that we were growing apart for quite some time, but I figured it was because I was becoming more comfortable being ymself at school, and I still had to wear the facade at home. So, I felt that in order to work on our relationship I come out to her; her initial reaction shocked me, but only because recently she became uber-religious and conservative. The day I told her she called me up and was like where is this coming from, I didn't understand the question. She asked why i was coming out now...I still don't quite understand why I feel like I shoudl tell my folks about my sexuality, but something tells me I should...I think it has something to do with trying to be comfortable with my folk. But anyway...

since I've been homw this summer, things have been really awkward with the two folks that are my supposed bffs, LC and SMM. Me and SMM have worked on our relationship and now I can talk about anything with her; LC was not willing to talk when I told her i thought we needed to talk...I haven't spoken to her since she said that. She has commented on my facebook, and sent me text messages acting like there is nothign wrong, I can't even deal with it...and whenever i get ready to talk about my bffs, the people that come to mind are SMM and DLM...and I feel like this has been the more acurate picture since I started college.

I'm am so worn out!!

2009-06-29T20:39:00.000-07:00

I worked on Sunday, Today, and I have shifts Tuesday, Thursday, Saturday, Sunday, and Monday...I'm so tired...and since I told them my schedule is open, I'm scheduled to work at the most random times! But I mist say..I'd much rather be working crazy hours than no hours...my regular shift is only 16 hrs a week...and while the was okay in high school, I'm not making the same hourly wage as back then.

So the ex that I was supposed to go out with the other day sent me the most upsetting text message in the middle of last night. I was in the bed after working a full shift on about two hours of sleep and attending a birthday party and then having drinks with my bff. SO needless to say I was trying to get dead to the world! But back to my story, I had updated my Facebook status stating how much fun it is to go for drinks with my bff, why did this fool send me a text saying(verbatim) "Wow Yours Truly. Glad you had fun with your friends. Thanks for standing me up on Friday. Its great to see that that is how you are." WTF?? then i replied that she should lose my number if that's how she feels she then retorted that it was all a joke. I know she's lying..I could hear her voice cracking...I don't why she is making herself mad! that makes no sense!

In other news, the White Peach Sangria form Applebee's is UH-mazing! A the Long Island Iced Tea is pretty damn good as well! I need to stop...I'mbecoming a damn lush!

The First Payday at the New Job

2009-06-26T17:02:00.000-07:00

So i went out to my job and picked up my check...this bitch was for 8.67...seriously...I wanted to laugh and cry...lol...I need the next pay period to get here soon!!

I'm supposed to be going out with my ex-gf from High School, we have a great time when she's not trying to fuck me...which she tries everytime, but I am not doing that, I wanna stay friends. But anyway she's supposed to be taking out and I'm supposed to drive. Here's the kicker: today my car finally got put in the shop, I got rear-ended earlier this month. The shop owner told me that more than likely, my car will be totaled and it is only worth 2100-2800 dollars...def not enough to get me another car in good shape like this one was. I feel like everytime I try to make some progress there is something dragging me, kicking and screaming, back to square one.

This shit is depressing...but there are more pressing issues in my life...like trying to get fucked up tonight!

Television Is My Life!!!

2009-06-26T16:19:00.000-07:00

SO, my bff and I have been watching TV and I must say there are some damn good shows on!!! I wish I had premium cable! I miss HBO...they have some damn good shows!! True Blood is the best show on TV now! and there is a fine ass piece of man candy on there Mehcad Brooks AKA Eggs Benedict Talley. I really wish that these shows would all show up on HBO on demand with the entire season so i could just sneak into my Uncle's house and watch them and he would never have to know! But, alas this is not how it is supposed to be! I have posted pictures of him above.

But I must say, Bravo TV has come out with some chit..but these bitches have come out with some damn good shows too! Fashion Show and The Real Housewives of New Jersey...My fave on RHNJ is Jaqueline, as I have said before....and she is so pregnant! I'm so happy for her. And the Fashion Show is too funny, there is the guy on there named Recco(read: Rico) he made an awsome dress but it was definitely not in line with the designer he was supposed ot be emulating, but I love a good corseted dress! lol, and of course Kelly Rowlands Eyebrows were snatched to hell!! I loved it!

WTF is going on???

2009-06-25T15:28:00.000-07:00

SO...I'm getting so money conflicting stories, I just want the T! Sopposedly, the King of Pop, Michael Jackson has passed on! It was bad enought that we lost an original Angel, Charlie's Angel, that is today: Farrah Fawcett, with her awesome feathered hair!

Updated 5:30PM: So now CNN says he's dead...they haven't confirmed it..but they said it! I am upset, one of my things to do before dying was to see him in concert! I'm pissed! I feel for the Jacksons though, so I must pray for them! You should too!

Work, Work, Work...

2009-06-24T16:26:00.000-07:00

...and all the shit that goes along with it! (LOL) But work is cool, I will finally get to make some tiops on Sunday...and Sundays are supposed to be the money making day for room service...let us pray that that is the truth! But anyway, while at work, they decided that i would cross-train in the bakery. So, I'm sitting there and the Hostesss comes up and says, "[Yours Truly], where are you from?" I say, "Dreamland" and she says "Oh, are you Jamaican?" I say, "no, why? is it because of my hair? (which is twisted.) She smiles, sheepishly, and then says yeah...it was kinda funny....But I gotta go...I'm so T-I-R-E-D! I'm sleeping til seven tomorrow...yes to sleeping in! lol

On another note...I really miss my folk back at school....these fools give me all my life!! And they ain't tooo shabby when it comes to drinking either! Back to LSAT prep in the morning, I'm taking a diagnostic

PS: the hot cook at my job is so fine!! He's from NOLA...my buddy would love him! lol and my trainer was beyond cunt, but you could tell he was putting on his straight act...lol

The First Day of the Job...CcccRRRRRAAAAZZZZYYYY!!!!!!

2009-06-22T17:41:00.000-07:00

So, today was my first day of work...I had to get my ass up at the ass-crack of dawn!! Hell, I was up before then! I forgot to shave last night, so when i went back to sleep after my first alarm...I awoke with a start and had to rush around the house trying to find my clippers to fix my facial hair. But after this hell-atious morning at home, I made it to work early...you'll never believe what I ran into: I couldn't even pick up my damned uniforms, until an hour into my shift...wardobe doesn't open until 7...my shift starts at 6...I had to call in that I would be late on my first DAMN day!!! So, to make up for it, I worked my ass off! I turned my A.D.D. off and listened intently with my damn-near useless ears! and guess what! They all loved me...And now, I shall do what no one else can do better: I shall kiss my own ass! LOL

I'm exhausted and need to go to sleep, but my dad went to the hospital for some back pain...and he still ain't back so I gotta wait for his ass to get out...I'm his ride! And I have to avoid answering my phone...one of my ex-girlfriends wants me to come and swim at her place...but last time I went over there, this chick continued to try to seduce me even though I told her I'm gay...she said that just gettting head from her would "turn me back!" Can you believe her? I love her dearly, but damn...we broke up when i was a junior in High school!!! I'm now a rising senior(graduating in four) move on boo!! :-D

Ooh...before I forget...I saw the Noah's Arc movie, that whole cast is sexy for the most part! I absolutely loved it...the only thing that Sex and the City the movie had over it was that white boy's big ass dick showing...if only there had been some dick in this movie! And I'm starting to get pissed about the re-launch, or failure to relaunch, of Nubian 101...will these bitches get it together??

Anyway, I gotta go...the behind the scenes episode of the Real Housewives of New Jersey is on...and there will be spillage...I love Jaqueline...that bitch is so sweet, and she is fierce in her own little way...that skinny ass bitch Danielle can got kick rocks and choke on a dick for all I care...she a evil ho!

WHO I AM...

2009-06-19T18:59:00.000-07:00

The oldest of four kids, age 21, my youngest sister is only 19months old...she was the late life baby my parents wanted...lol. I am a full time student, majoring in Black Studies at a historically Black college in the south. I am currently at home in the Midwest, working at a riverboat casino and studying for the September LSAT. MY dream is to become a public defender, and eventually learn enough information about the criminal justice system to affect change thorugh public policy work! I live to change the world! I'm currently working on compiling a database of scholarships for law school and internships to do for the upcoming year of undergrad (my SENIOR year!!!! YAY!!).

But I guess that's all that is needed to know so far!

The Dawn of a New Era

2009-06-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

So, I have finally started to take steps towards living my life without lies, and all the secrecy! I have finally accepted the fact that I am a gay man. It was an awfully long process, I'm 21 and I have only now decided to accept it. And, I must say, I feel a whole lot better. I think I am able to be myself finally! I will be able to be fully honest with my loved ones and I will be able to actually live my life to the fullest potential! This journey has been harrowing: I've spent the last almost 8 years planning a life with the same girl(now woman), and I have never even tried to date a guy! I'm kinda nervous about trying to navigate this new world! I am confident that things will work out for me, I have so many people around who will support me in all the things I endeavor to achieve!