real for me. I just watched Prayers For Bobby, that Lifetime movie. It was so saddening for me. I cried so much during this film. I understand exactly how Bobby feels. I know that my family loves me, but I can't help feeling like they love me "in spite" of my being gay. I don't think I'd take it to the depths that Bobby did, but I do feel the hurt sometimes. I feel so alone, and I feel a crazy amount of fear. I really want to explore this new identity, but I can't get out of this mind frame that someone will find out...that really shouldn't be a concern...but it still is. I sometimes feel completely stupid, because I want to go into politics(not to personally get elected, working behind the scenes), but I feel like being myself will mess that up for me. I am just so conflicted...and sometimes I feel so alone, I really wish I had a friend who could relate...I guess I do, but he's doing his domestic exchange...and sometimes I just wanna talk face to face.
Also, I'm still so scared to even think of approaching a guy...and sometimes I just wish that I had never even said anything. I feel like it would be easier to just keep the lie going. I think of this when i see families and think about how hard it'll be for me to have kids, even when (read: if) I find a husband. Of course, I know this is COMPLETELY PREPOSTEROUS!! But the idea of going out t and meeting a guy is so friggin scary!!!
Also, I'm still so scared to even think of approaching a guy...and sometimes I just wish that I had never even said anything. I feel like it would be easier to just keep the lie going. I think of this when i see families and think about how hard it'll be for me to have kids, even when (read: if) I find a husband. Of course, I know this is COMPLETELY PREPOSTEROUS!! But the idea of going out t and meeting a guy is so friggin scary!!!
Fear is a double edged sword. It can be a great motivator and it can be a horrible deterrent, and there is nothing in between the experience.
ReplyDeleteAs for the politics thing, its simple. find yourself a queer cause to work behind and start there. That way if you get found out you'll be accepted. That would be my advice.
as for meeting guys? I have no words of wisdom. mine pretty much fell into my lap. It was kind of a luck thing.
Really, I would start making some queer friends and seeing where that leads, but thats just me.